Scripture reading: Luke 15:17–24

Do You Need to Apologize for your Apology?

First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:24)

Jesus was crystal clear: When we have hurt someone, the first priority is be reconciled to the one we have offended. Before we offer worship to God, we should first make things right with our brothers and sisters. We can’t hope to be right vertically with God if we are wrong horizontally with one another!

But what happens when I apologize and seek to make things right, but my effort only makes matters worse? Why is it that sometimes my apologies do more harm than good? The truth is that offering an apology is harder than you think! Sometimes what sounds like an apology is in reality a subtle form of self-justification, or even blame. We need both wisdom and courage if our apologies are going to heal wounds rather than deepen them.

Here are a few reasons why apologies fail:

Vagueness. “I apologize for whatever I did that may have hurt you”; “I’m sorry for what happened”; or even the incomplete “I’m sorry” illustrate this kind of apology. These expressions seek to restore the relationship without recognizing what damaged it. A funny illustration is found in a Blondie cartoon. Mr. Dithers decides to apologize to Dagwood for calling him a “dimwitted, noodle brain.” “Dagwood,” he says, “I’m sorry you’re a dimwitted noodle brain.”

The passive voice. In one of his “apologies” to the nation for wrongdoings by his electoral organization related to Watergate, President Nixon famously said “mistakes were made.” Though this may sound like an apology, it clearly isn’t. It is rather a subtle evasion of responsibility.

Making the offense conditional. Often the little word “if” nullifies any positive benefits a speaker’s words might otherwise have had. Singer Janet Jackson, in speaking of her “wardrobe malfunction” during the halftime show at the 2004 Super Bowl, said, “I am really sorry if I offended anyone.” This “apology” implies that the real problem may be with the audience, not the performer.

Addressing the wrong party. When heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson was reprimanded for biting off part of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a match, his apology was directed to his own family, MGM, promoter Don King, the city of Las Vegas, and the judge who was responsible for his probation. In essence, Tyson apologized to those who had the power to punish him instead of to the one he had hurt!

Few things in life have more redemptive power than an apology . . . rightly delivered. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you with this. Your very salvation depends on getting it right.

A stiff apology is a second insult . . . The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. —G. K. Chesterton

point to ponder • Have you ever tried to apologize, but your effort did more harm than good? Why was this so?

prayer focus • Apologies from you that need to be properly administered.