Scripture reading: II Corinthians 11:1–15

The Tapescrew Letters*

My Dear Woodworm,

Central Intelligence has informed me that your client Jeremy is seeking to reform his ways. He is beginning to pray and is on the verge of confessing his “sins” to the Enemy! My slithering nephew, our Father Below will tolerate no such repulsive behavior; this must be stopped immediately! You must do all in your infernal power to keep your prey in our camp.

From previous conversations I recall that Jeremy is a chronic thief. Since child- hood he has had the delightful habit of stealing things (candy, money, homework, reputations, time, office supplies, business expenses, income tax, etc.). But now I learn that the despicable Spirit from Above is making him believe these actions are “wrong”! In the name of Satan, this must be rectified lest he seek the Enemy’s help and go over to the other side. Listen closely to my counsel, my dear slime ball, and try the following tactics. They have been effective in the past to bring many to our father’s Mansions Below, and I trust they will serve well in this situation also.

,. Suggest to Jeremy that stealing is written into his genetic code . . . part of his DNA. He can’t help it. He was born this way. In stealing he is simply express- ing his authentic self. Make him think that if he doesn’t steal he is denying his true identity. (Oh, how I love this work!)
,. As long as Jeremy uses words that imply that theft is “wrong,” we lessen our chances of success. So help him develop a whole new vocabulary. For example, when he shoplifts, suggest to him that he is simply making a “non-monetary purchase”—not “stealing.” When he cheats on an exam, he is merely “sharing” the results of the classroom experience. Lying on his expense report at work is helping the company pay him what he is “really worth.” You get the idea.
,. When others confront Jeremy and tell him his behaviors are wrong, make him think that these people are using “hate speech.” Encourage him to see them as narrow-minded bigots bent on denying the rights and freedoms of others. Lead him to associate with other thieves who are all proud of the fact that they have “come out of the closet” and can now boldly practice their “alternative lifestyle” of stealing.

The capstone of our diabolical strategy occurs when thievery is given religious sanction! Don’t keep Jeremy away from church; rather, lead him to one that prides itself on being “inclusive” in that it welcomes and affirms those who practice a lifestyle of stealing. With a little demonic luck, Jeremy himself may decide to go into the ministry!

I wish you luck in your efforts and remind you that you will have hell to pay (literally) should you fail.

Your affectionate uncle, Tapescrew

One of the best results of temptation is that it shows us what is in our hearts.—A. B. Simpson

point to ponder • Satan seldom appears to be what we imagine him to be.

prayer focus • Someone who has been deceived by Satan’s lies.